Showing results for tags 'Change'.
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I apologize ahead of time if this post gets a bit lengthy. This week has been full of failures. I worked out once, and it wasn't even my choice. I haven't been making good food choices, stuck in limbo between eating the greasy, fatty foods I crave and not eating at all. It was Wednesday night; I was still feeling sick from the food I'd gotten from Dairy Queen, and I was laying in bed asking God why I always did this. What caused me to relapse? What were my triggers, and why did I respond the way I did? After praying and listening, it became clear to me something I haven't wanted to admit, something I've buried within my heart hoping nobody would notice...except it's been manifesting in the way I treat myself. I realized that I hate a part of myself, and have since I was little. I realized that it spawned from the belief that something was wrong with me because of who my father is, and what he's become. I've always seen it as a horrible thing to be like him in any way, but even then I've let the unforgiveness and bitterness and hatred towards him settle on my shoulders and in my heart, and I've been carrying the weight of it ever since, both emotionally and physically. Wednesday night, I broke. I saw my own heart, and I was disgusted with what I saw...but it wasn't until I began choosing to forgive my dad, forgive step-dad, forgive the others in my life who I've felt betrayed by, and ultimately forgive myself, that I began to breathe better. There was healing, but now I'm to the point of wondering where I go from here. There are decisions to be made; on Wednesday night, I didn't say that what they did was okay...I only gave up the right to hold their mistakes and trespasses against me over their heads. I gave up my right to hold a grudge, because it's a prison that only affects me. I'm tired of being in a prison, but now that the door is open, I find it hard knowing how to live a free life. Sorry, maybe this is sounding too cheesy...maybe it's making sense. I don't know. This week I feel like I've done anything but succeed. I gorged myself at Culvers. I indulged in Dairy Queen and salivated over my salad from McDonalds. Why am I writing this? Because if anyone else can read this, anyone else having trouble on their weight loss journey, I want you to know that you aren't alone. I've had my bad days, weeks, months...even years. I guess failure is a part of success as much as death is a part of life. Sometimes, things have to die before new life can grow; maybe, without realizing it, this is something I've been waiting for. Maybe this week needed to happen so that the dross in my heart my thoughts can be burned, purified, to make room for the new life and positive thinking that will replace it. If anything else, this was a week where I watched hatred die so that love could take its place; one more step towards loving myself to health instead of hating myself to death.
I feel a bit like Alice. I am starting a journey and don't know exactly where it will lead. In the past, I have tried different weight loss programs only to lose my motivation, cheat and give up when I saw no results. I am now at a point in my life where I am done. I am done with disrespecting myself, with not seeing myself as a person valuable enough to put in the effort for. I put others first. I have not been willing to commit the time and funds necessary to myself thinking that it would be selfish to do so. I have not been willing to inconvenience others by putting myself first when I needed to. I am done with all of that. I look at the person in this photo and cringe. Not because I am disgusted with how I look but because I know how I felt in that photo. I felt out of shape, left out, tired, and yes...ugly. I am at a critical time in my life. I am old enough to need to make this change now but young enough to be able to make it. Why am I willing to do the work now? Because my boys, who I love with all I am, are going to be leaving home soon. Right now is the time I have to be active with them and I can't do the activities I want to do because of this weight. I need to be healthy NOW. I am ready to work at it. I am ready to commit to it. I am ready to sacrifice for it. I want to be able to climb the entire rock wall at the gym. I want to be able to hike 5 miles up a mountain and then have the energy for a little dance at the top. I want to complete a half-marathon. I want to be small enough to wear the cute clothes and the high heels. I want to look sexy and healthy. I want my sassy insides to match my sassy outsides. I am committed to doing what it takes each day of this journey. I will eat enough healthy food to fuel my body. I will move my body each day in different, challenging ways. I will journal my feelings instead of covering them up with food. I will reach out to people around me, finding support in places I didn't know I had any. I will choose one new activity to do each month. My first is my first 5K which I will run/walk with family in September. In October, I have signed up for a trail 5K which I will take on by myself trying to beat my previous time. In November, we will be going to the Bahamas and I will wear a swim suit and feel good about myself in it. More to come...
So, this past weigh in I was a bit disappointed with my result. It was my own fault. I had hoped for more and did not get it. But there was a silver lining. I felt the positive outcome was this part: "It is all up to me how next week turns out. If I am not happy with the loss from this week, I need to change something that I did or did not do. There is no one to take the responsibility for how I feel at weigh in except me. I own my actions. I own my results." Since I rather don't like the taste of crow I hopped up on my treadmill yesterday for the first time in a long time. Forty minutes, and quite a bit of sweat later, I turned off "The Matrix" and went to take a shower. I was proud that I had upped the ante by using an incline of 7 during the faster 30 min portion whereas I used to only use an incline of 1 or 2. Now to be fair to those who work REALLY hard, my definition of "fast" is not truly fast to most. I do a speed of 2.5mph right now. My right side is significantly weaker than my left (gotta love the effects of MS) so I am always playing a game of catch up with that side. Maybe someday I will be able to go at a decent pace...but that's a task for another day. But anyway you look at it, I challenged myself. I broke a sweat. I got off the couch. Today's task? Today is a 45 min group lesson in Cha Cha and Tango. Friday? 2 hour Halloween social ballroom dance. What do YOU have planned for physical activity? Do something fun!