Looking in the mirror
A few weeks ago, I had an epiphany.
I took a long, hard look in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. What happened to me? Not only had my body changed drastically in a short amount of time, but even my face. It wasn't just the shape that changed. I no longer had the high cheeks bones that made people compliment my bone structure. I also realized that not only did I have a few more chins, but my neck was pretty much invisible. My cheeks were puffy; and I realized, mannn I am blown up like a balloon.
One thing that I had always taken pride in was the way I did my hair and makeup. I had always gotten compliments, always had people ask me to do theirs.. but recently, not so much. Maybe that was because somewhere along the line I had given up on myself once I started gaining weight. I stopped doing my hair and makeup- I still don't know whether it was because I became so lazy I didn't want to do it, or I just stopped caring in general. Probably a combination of both.
All this time I have gained weight, I have completely voided out any chance of a social life. I had become introverted. Plans with friends were no longer of any interest to me because everything revolved around eating and drinking and I just didn't want to be a part of it. I went from having plans and being invited out to eat every other weekend to being the "old friend of theirs" who never came out anymore. I made up every excuse in the book to not go out because I was so ashamed of how fat I got.
It was only three years ago that I had a nice, thin figure. Thanks to Jenny Craig. You see, weight has always been an issue for me, even since childhood. I have tried various diets throughout the years and didn't know why the numbers on the scale were always fluctuating. I have had issues with my health since I was a young teen. Finally being diagnosed with hypothyroid disease was what made me realize why I was struggling so much- on every diet I tried. Why was I gaining on a diet and not losing? After I was finally put on medication to get my thyroid levels regulated, I was ready to get on track and take the reigns. I found Jenny and realized she was the only one for me 
When I went on Jenny Craig the first time, it was a total success. I had lost around 40 lbs in a very short amount of time. I was so proud of myself and I got down to about 147 lbs (totally forgot the statistics lol). I looked great, felt great and fit into clothing that I hadn't worn in a very long time. I did not reach my goal because I was having more health issues and just couldn't keep an appointment if I tried.
Not too long after my big weight loss I became pregnant.
That is when everything I learned at Jenny went out the window and I thought I had an excuse to eat everything and anything I wanted.
I gained 70 lbs during my pregnancy. No I did not have quints, quadruplets, triplets or twins. I had one baby.... and no, the placenta nor baby weighed 70 lbs.
So why, do you ask, did I gain all that weight? It was simply because I lost all willpower and self control. Thank goodness towards the end of my pregnancy I realized I could have easily developed gestational diabetes and my poor diet could have harmed the little miracle inside of me; so I immediately switched gears and ate right, but I didn't lose any weight it was just stagnant at that point.
The day after I gave birth I said "I'm gonna get my body back and I'll do everything I can to do so"... I didn't. Instead I gained another 30 lbs... and now, years later... I am looking in the mirror and realizing that this is the example I am setting as a mother. Your child will look at you and think you are perfect the way you are even if you are an unhealthy weight whether it be obese or too thin. They do not know better. Children pick up on habits very easily and quickly.
I did go back a second time to Jenny, but only for a hot minute. I decided that I was not eating the food or following the program as I should so why waste the money. Since then I have given myself a long list of health problems and I am fairly too young to have them. Other than high cholesterol and triglyceride levels, I have a very fatty liver and the fat enzymes are leaking into my liver. I have additional back, hip, and leg problems with pain due to the extra weight I carry. All because I didn't take care of myself.
My family is the reason I am doing this. Not because I want to look good in photos again, or to become social again, or even to be happy looking in the mirror again, Those are all a plus. I want to be able to live a long, happy healthy life with my child and I want to be able to be a regular mom doing regular mom things without getting out of breath. That's all I want.
Hopefully third time's the charm... I'm back on the program for about three weeks. I have lost 10.6 lbs so far and I am more enthusiastic and excited than I have ever been before. I know it's too soon to actually see a change; but I sure do feel one. I look in the mirror now and I envision what I could be, what I will be; if I can just give up being so controlled by my emotional eating. I am no longer going to eat my emotions: happy, sad, angry, bored, excited, anxious, etc. What I am going to eat are the words I have said all too much: I can't do this.
I was a martial artist for 11 years from childhood to teenhood. (It kept me in shape and active until I stopped going; [that's a good topic for another blog]...) One thing that my Shihan told me that applies to everything in life will always stick with me:
Do not say you can't do something.
Can
And
Never
Tried.
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