The phone rang early this morning. I hate it when that happens. When the phone rings early in the morning, it is either telemarketers or bad news in the family. Either way, brace yourself, right? It turned out to be bad news in my extended family. Not a death or anything like that, but something stressful and unpleasant (forgive the vagueness, but it is personal to someone else, and I want to respect their privacy). It upset me quite a but (and will place some level of stress and burden upon me, some known already, some vague and unknown for now).
Normally, I would have reached for cookies or cake or donuts or some other form of sugary comfort. After all, I "deserve" it, right? I "need" it right now. Well, no. Not today. I went about my day. Drank my water. Told my husband what was going on. Had a mug of tea. Ate my Jenny breakfast. Lit a candle in the bathroom and made a bit of a spa morning of it (exfoliated, moisturized my body, etc.).
As noon rolled around, I had lunch. Classic Chicken Carbonara. It was soooo good! If that turns out to be the highlight of my day, I'm good with it.
I realize I am blogging a lot, and most people are not. This is my way of keeping myself accountable.
Time to take an Extra Strength Tylenol. And to remind myself that life happens, but I will do what I can to help those that I can help.
There is nothing like sitting down to a nice table setting: a hard mat (much easier to keep clean: you wipe it down after each meal and voila), a napkin, a nice set of flatware, your water in crystal (why wait for company?), a colorful meal nicely plated. The trouble when you are trying to do a plan like Jenny, which focuses not only on healthy ingredients but on portion control, is that the size of today's dinner plates is huge. So today I decided: I am serving myself on salad plates. They are the perfect size for my meals, and will help retrain my eye in what a proper and healthy portion looks like. As Yoda told Luke, "You must unlearn what you have learned."
I'm scared, excited. It's a big day. When I did Jenny last time, I had this DVD/CD set "Touchstones for Success." I couldn't find it, so I ordered it off Amazon. I started listening to it again today (it even came with the little pouch filled with touchstones -- cute!). Things like becoming the compassionate observer (not being self-critical and overly restrictive when it comes to weight loss, and moving instead to an affirming, compassionate POV) and finding internal sources of motivation (moving my thought process from why I should do this to why I deserve this or why I will do this ).
It's a lot. I put food into my body, sure. But I also put thoughts, ideas, dreams into my consciousness. All of these things become a part of my being. I am on this journey because I deserve a better life: one filled with good health, mobility, adventures, and longevity. I want to enjoy my life, not merely endure it. I want to be an active participant for as long as I can. I want to continue to travel alongside my husband, to explore the world, to meet new people.
So tomorrow, I start on my latest journey.
I overslept today, and woke up with a monster migraine. This happens when I oversleep. And when there are changes in the weather patterns. Today, both things converged, and . . . hellooo migraine!!!! I took my pain med, which did nothing for me. So I ate a donut. An artisanal, much too sweet donut, covered with dark chocolate and filled with Nutella. I scarfed it down, and I feel sick now. It also did nothing for my migraine, of course. So then I had to go for the big guns of migraine meds: 25 milligrams of sumatriptan spray. That stuff works fairly quickly, but not without some interesting side effects: rapid heartbeat; lightheadedness; migraine feeling much worse before it subsides. Basically, I feel like I am going to die before I start to feel better.
So I was lying in my darkened bedroom, my husband banished to the living room with the cat (that would be Mia), thinking, "I'm dying. Oh dear lord, I am dying. My head is going to explode, and my heart is beating out of my chest, and death is a welcome thing right now, and that dastardly donut is the worst darned thing I have ever eaten in my entire life. It is sticky sweet and nauseating and I can still taste it and why did I ever think about eating it? ARGH!!!!!!" And I am suddenly not sure if I can make it to Thursday and Jenny Craig and OMG what the heck have I done to myself!!!!
The pain has now subsided. At its worse, the migraine was an 8 on a scale of 1-10. Now, it's a 3 or a 4. But that darned donut. I can still taste it. And I feel so guilty. And I haven't even started Jenny Craig. It's a bad, bad day today.
Ten years ago, I was a little heavier. Well, no, I was a lot heavier. I was the heaviest I had ever been. At 4'11" and over 125 lbs., I was seriously overweight, and I needed to make some changes. I had tried WW, dieting on my own, starving myself. The pounds kept creeping up. Finally, I joined Jenny Craig. I won't say that the weight came off magically or anything. But it came off, slowly, at first. Then more quickly. Exercise helped. I hit my first goal. Then, I hit my second goal. I was at the weight I had been when I got married. Then I was below that weight. Now I was looking at new possibilities: hitting targets that put my BMI in the low range of my target BMI. Could I do it? I did. I lost the weight and kept it off for years. My profile picture is me at my thinnest in 2012.
I kept the weight off for years, but something happened after I hit menopause. The weight started to creep back up. At first I would quickly diet. "Exercise self control," I would tell myself, as I basically starved myself for a few days (or longer), living on tea, water, and Diet Coke so that I could slip back into those elusive skinny jeans. Oh, this is healthy. You are such a wonderful role model. But the pounds were creeping up on me, and the clothes were too tight. I could not hide from the fact that my metabolism had changed, my body was different. On a small frame, I was 10-12 pounds heavier than I wanted to be. Time to face reality.
Anyway, when I stepped on the scale and saw the number, I knew it was time to call JC again. Because I love cake. A lot. But I love being happy and mobile and fitting into my clothes just a little bit more. I think. It all depends on the cake. And what kind of day I've had. And who designed the clothes. So I guess we'll have to see what I love more, cake or fitting into my clothes. I hope those JC chocolate lava cakes are good. My first delivery of food arrives on Thursday, and my JCC calls on Thursday night. I hope she's nice. I hope she's at least a chocoholic. . . .