I see that my last blog post was January of 2017. That means I am coming up on two years since I quit JC and decided to try other options. Just for the record, nothing worked and I got to my highest weight of 316 pounds before I finally sought help from a doctor.
I have lost 32 pounds since May. And it feels good. But I have been here before - so that is why I am back to JC. Of all the things I tried, I feel that the JC Community was by far the most supportive and most helpful. I picked up my food and had my first meeting with my JC consultant last night. Today I sit here feeling pretty good.
Before I started writing today I went back and reread my previous blogs along with the comments. My last post was very negative and discouraged - One of the comments encouraged me to 'get deep into it' and 'read and reread all the JC literature'. I am here to get deep into it. I am here to make this a lifestyle. I am here to get support and to offer support.
I am happy to say that Wednesday, November 14, 2018, was the start of my New Beginning.
I recently hit what I think (HOPE) is my rock bottom. My weight has been steadily increasing forever. I thought I had it somewhat under control, but after quitting JC prior to the summer I continued to gain. One day I stepped on the scale and the most upsetting thing happened. The scale registered at over 300 pounds. I stepped off and laughed. I laughed to cover the tears. I weigh 300 pounds. And I can see it in pictures. I can feel it in my clothes and in the difficulty I have carrying myself around. I am ashamed. But I'm also at a point where I call it as I see it. I'M FAT. I AM AN OBESE WOMAN. And if I don't do something I am going to have health and physical problems as I get older.
My father is on a walker in his early 60's in a large part due to the damage his weight did to his body. I do not want that to be me. I need to figure this out. I don't know how to figure this out. What can't my brain wrap around the fact that I AM FAT AND IT IS MY OWN FAULT. I don't know where to start as far as fixing this issue. Diet and exercise. YES! It doesn't work. I doubt myself. I don't know enough. I think this 'one last bite' won't matter. What has to happen for me to fix this? I was considering gastric bypass but my insurance won't cover it. Short of hiring a personal chef/dietician I don't know what to do.
I am overwhelmed. I am scared. I don't know what to do. I cannot see that scale continue to go up. I can't live like this anymore.
It finally happened. I'm not quite sure when, but it did. I don't wear real pants anymore.
UGH! I wear leggings, yoga pants, pajama bottoms, lounge wear and every other manner of elastic and draw string bottoms. I have them in every color, every style and design. And they're cute! Sweaters, boots, scarves - I'm great at accessorizing. Making the average legging look pretty jazzed up. But the fact is that I have given up on "real" pants. I can't remember the last time I put on a pair of jeans or the dress slacks that I would normally wear to work. Instead I wear dresses or elastic waist skirts and my comfy leggings. I got tired of the waistband of pants cutting into my skin. Or worse yet rolling down under my belly. Embarrassing and uncomfortable to say the least. Then there was the fear of having my pants split open in the rear. Oh, I would just die!
Now, I could buy my jeans and slacks in a larger size but I refuse to do that. It's like accepting that this weight is forever. And I assure you - it is not! But, I can't go on wearing strictly comfy bottoms. I need to lose the weight so I can at least wear the slacks and jeans that I have. All of which are like brand new. I want to be able to button my jeans with out having pain in my abdomen. I want to then bend over to put on shoes with those pants buttoned and still be able to breathe!!!
Today I am 3.3 pounds closer to that becoming reality. I will continue to work towards my goal. It's a small step but it's the small steps that count.
October starts my very favorite season of all! I absolutely love the Fall. From now through the end of the year I will be at my happiest and most content. The cool weather, the leaves, colors, sights and smells are a balm to my soul. Then we come to the holidays which I love. Seeing family and friends, the spirit of giving and celebrating keep me upbeat. I enjoy the changes in season but I admit that I look forward to the Fall and Winter. I hate heat and I hate humidity. And it really does a number on my mood and attitude. With the cooling temps I find it easier to work out. And easier to follow an eating plan. Some people probably think this is weird since most people look at summer and bathing suit season as being the most motivating. Not for me! When the Summer and the heat come to town I find myself slowing down and hiding out.
So I am going to take this knowledge about myself and do my best to knock it out of the park - stay motivated and get moving!
If it's not one thing, it's another. I'm not trying to place blame for my slips but I truly believe that the weather has an effect on my eating habits. I live in NW Indiana just outside of Chicago. The weather here is crazy. Seriously. It makes absolutely no sense. For instance we had snow and hail on Saturday and Sunday was in the 60's and sunny. We are entering Spring and I am very much looking forward to the weather warming up a bit. Not hot - just 60's and 70's would be nice. As the weather gets nicer I find that I want to be outside more, and be more active. Biking and hiking, taking the dogs for a walk, even just sitting in the sun reading would be wonderful. And in doing these things I am automatically staying away from the fridge and away from the snacks.
However, Spring has not come to the Chicago area yet. At least not for any lasting stretch of time. So I am dealing with chilly temperatures and gloomy skies. That type of weather makes it easy for me to stay indoors, snuggled under blankets, binging on food and Netflix. It also makes it more difficult for me to be motivated for the gym. I either don't want to go out in what ever weird weather we are having or I feel safe under layers for clothing.
So, while I am not using the weather as an excuse per se, I am saying it sure doesn't help much! Everyday I continue to fight forward because I know I am worth it. Somedays are harder than others and when I fall I try not to beat myself up. Instead I pick myself up and soldier on.
Night time is my BAD time. If I can say that. Maybe I shouldn't say 'bad'. But nights are where I fall weak. I can do well for 12 hours during the day but come night time I'm done. I struggle so much. Every. Single. Night.
For some reason I just lose all control. It makes me so mad at myself. But by looking at other posts and seeing what other people feel it makes me realize I'm not alone.
As I told another JC sister earlier this week... When you slip, just get up and start again. Make the next day your new beginning.
Weigh in Saturday...Curious to see my number.
I really screwed myself last night - I had my JC meal but then I proceeded to eat several slices of garlic bread and quite a bit of lunch meat. I wasn't hungry, it was just mindless. I'm beating myself up for sure. And the weigh in tomorrow scares me. I know that if I don't see results it will take a lot for me to not give up.
So - Today I am wearing a pair of pants that I used to LOVE! They are black with pinstripes and just super cute. They used to fit comfortably. Lately they have been tight. So tight that they cut into the skin around my waist and are incredibly uncomfortable to wear. In fact I dreaded to put them on this morning. But because I am a huge procrastinator (another topic for another time) I didn't have other clean laundry for work. So on the tight pants go. Here's the good part...Although they are still snug, they are no longer TIGHT. They do not cut off all circulation in abdomen. They don't hurt and they don't make me want to strip them off in the middle of my office.
I'll take that as a win.
It's the small victories