18 replies to this topic

[itsanewday]

I am in the middle of week 4 and have lost 11 pounds so far (of a 55 lbs target). I am exercising regularly for the first time in my life and I feel and am looking so great. I am so pleased with JC and so very proud of myself! My challenge is my husband's less than enthusiastic response to my being on JC. Any suggestions.

[I Called Jenny]

Can you share what his "objections" are to the program? Is it because you're eating something different than him? The cost? He doesn't think it's healthy?

If you can give us a clue as to why he might feel less than supportive, perhaps we can offer some specific suggestions.

[dijarm]

I think hubby's get concerned when wifey's starts looking too good. They think they have to start worrying about other men. If he's not supporting you must be rockin it and looking more confident! good for you!

[Blessed4Life2]

ajjohnson, on 04 February 2012 - 01:41 PM, said:

I am in the middle of week 4 and have lost 11 pounds so far (of a 55 lbs target). I am exercising regularly for the first time in my life and I feel and am looking so great. I am so pleased with JC and so very proud of myself! My challenge is my husband's less than enthusiastic response to my being on JC. Any suggestions.

First of all Welcome! 11 lbs is awesome in 4 weeks.....WOWZERS!

Alot of times the spouses are lacking in this catagory unfortunately....we read it here alot. Although my hubby was on board 100%, I can sure empathize w/those who experience the opposite.

I say just stand your ground and be your own support system.....along with coming here. This place is an excellent source of support, and alot of our members dont get any support unless they come here.

Another thing you can do is sit him down and talk about it. Tell him exactly how you feel, and hopefully he will see just how important this is to you, and will have a more positive response.

Either way, keep coming here.....we are all able to be your sole support if need be.

[vampi]

Personally I feel you have to want and do this for yourself not anybody else incl hubby. you will always find tons of support here--- you can do this!

[jenrdn69]

I echo the question of what he isn't supportive of --- or is it more general "OH, I think you are fine, you eat ok now, why mess with things..." or more of a general snide comment once in a while. Also, is your hubby overweight, does he excercise and does he eat basically healthy?

There are many reasons those we love don't necessarily support us. And there are many ways they show it or say it. Outright "JC is stupid, you don't need them," to snide "oh my, that pizza is so tiny"....

He could be worried that you expect him to change his diet (and he should if he needs to -- my opinion --- coming from someone who want her hubby to change his diet more than he has)...he might be worried you are taking away time from him (or the family) by you going to the gym (you DESERVE that time)...he could be jealous (but would never say that) of your newfound confidence and your ability to make positive changes in your life.

My opion would be to sit him down and be honest. Tell him you want his support and that means doing or not doing "X, Y and Z"...and, if he can't be supportive, ask him to not comment on it then. I cannot get support from my husband in the way I want or need it. Whenever we talk about my weight loss or need to lose, it winds up with him being pissed off and me being pissed off and wanting to tell him to go jump in a lake.

After you are honest with him, see what happens. If he keeps up his sabotage, snide comments, or whatever the negative is, then ask him again to STOP. If he just stops commenting on it, well then, that is the best you might get...if he DOES get it and tries to be supportive (even if he says what you'd think are stupid comments), thank him.

Its really hard to get support 'at home' sometimes. I wish I had better advice, but alot depends on your relationship and what is bothering him about your healthy lifestye.

[HealthyJ]

Do it anyway. Support from others is icing on the cake. Do it for yourself. You'll feel so much better about yourself that whether he on board or not won't matter.

[TexasGirl67]

Possibly, you are influencing him and he doesn't want you to know and he feels guilty for not eating healthy, too. ???? Just a thought. Keep going girl and the others will admire you for your strength, effort and ability to reach your goal!

[Victoria2103]

I've never been married and my family is very enthusiastic about my losing. Though I haven't told my brother who's off at law school, because he would tell me "weight loss is easy and you don't need to pay all this money".

But I had a boyfriend senior year of high school through sophomore year of college. And I went from 225 to 185 before I met him and I was still trying to lose. He kept telling me I was fine and I didn't need to lose weight. I think he thought that if I got any hotter, I would leave him. What ended up happening was that I was a food addict and he gave me license to eat. And I gained all the weight I'd lost back and then some.

You should tell your husband that you need to lose weight in order to be happy, healthy, and confident. And then tell him you can't do it on your own. You need help, and not just from Jenny. You need him on your side. And if he can't get behind you on this, then ask him to keep his lack of enthusiasm to himself because you are excited!

[manthony72]

We behave awkwardly when we are placed in "new" situations sometimes. We may say things and do things out of a fear or out of a place of not understanding. So, the advice on here has been great, and I echo sitting down with him....it may just be a fear that hasn't come out yet on his side! Good luck and you are doing wonderful!!

[claudia12]

He may be afraid and his reactions say more about HIM than you. Remember, it may not be personal ( hard not to see it that way, I know). Maybe he needs reassurance thatt you love him and this isn't about getting involved with other guys but mention other reasons you want to do this: to be healthier, etc. Unfortunately, if you are overweight you may seem "safer" to him, less likely to be attractive to other guys.

Also, does he feel less attractive than he used to? Does he feel guilty about his health or weight? Any change in one person can affect marriage. But try not to take it personally.

I know it may seem unfair but reassuring him about your love even when he is being unsupportive could really help. Worked for me....and then my husband joined Jenny Craig!

[itsanewday]

Wow. Thanks for responding. This is the first time I have ever posted on a blog or forum in my life so I realize now that I was a little vague in the question. My apologies. My husband makes comments that I won't reach ever reach my goal. He brings bags of chips and cakes, pies, etc and is genuinely hurt and angry that I am sticking to my JC menu. It is hurtful and frankly I'm not sure how to respond. As I am learning about portion sizes, better eating habits, etc his concern is that he's going to eventually have to eat better as well. 18 mos ago I was 198 and lost 19 pounds on my own and got stuck at 180 for about 6 months. At the suggestion ofnmy doctor i joined JC & in less that 4 whole weeks i am down 12 lbs and have tools to enable a consistent and healthy weight loss goals. I feel so empowered and amazing! My kids are great at cheering me on and my friends and the JC staff is wonderful but I am really perplexed that my husband is really, well, upset. He has hypertension and is overweight and feels he's being or is going to be pressured to lose weight once he realized this was a life style shift for me and not another fad diet. I am NOT going to drop out of the program and I AM going to reach my goal. I just want to keep peace at home.

[itsanewday]

Thank you to everyone who responded with such wonderful suggestions and insight. You guys should sub for 'Dr. Phil'. :-).
I will keep you posted. I weighed myself on my scale at home and I am really pleased. Tomorrow is the official weekly weigh in at the center. I thank u so much for the suggestions on here. Sometimes when i'm mad or hurt it's the simple solutions i have to be reminded of. I am sure he will turn around and you have provided me with great responses and reminders why I am doing this. now, I hope I hit the right button and post this in the right place :-)

[I Called Jenny]

AJ, it's funny because I just returned from a party and was having a conversation with someone I know who is a crisis counselor and we were talking about what makes some marriages work and why some don't. Her feeling (and after almost 40 years of marriage, I have to agree) is that most couples don't really TALK in a healthy (not criticizing or provoking or defensive) way to their spouse about things that are bothering them.

We ASSUME too much about why a spouse is doing something (or not doing something) rather than actually having a conversation (or several) about what's actually taking place in the relationship.

(Remember that old joke about the word ASSUME? When you do you make an A*S out of U and ME.)

Anyway, if you can casually explain why you're doing this and that it doesn't in any way mean that you would expect him to make a similar lifestyle change (although you would like him to because you love him and want him around for many more years). That this is your journey and you want his support but that he doesn't seem ready to give it to you yet and you understand that. But you believe this is important to you, to your children and to your marriage so you're going to continue and if he can't actually support you, you'd appreciate if he didn't sabbotage you.

Now, obviously you don't want to come off and sound as if you're making a demand because that will likely put him on the defensive. But if you say it often enough, it will EVENTUALLY sink in.

My DH who is always supportive (even when he thinks I'm crazy - and I am - LOL) will often tell me (after the fact) what he was REALLY thinking when I came up with yet another of my "hairbrained" ideas. Or, if he thinks I'm REALLY heading off a cliff, he'll find ways to get his point across without being too demanding or insistent and will finish with something like "But if you decide to continue and you do fall down, don't worry I'll pick you up." (Yeah, he's a great guy and I'm VERY lucky. )

But honestly it took us DECADES to figure out how to talk to one another and even after all of these years I'm still learning things about him just as he's learning things about me. But the thing that always AMAZES people is how we treat each other - with a lot of respect and good humor - and that we're TRULY best friends. And that's great because I would NEVER speak with disrespect to a friend or a colleague but I do see people speak to their spouses worse than they would speak to a stranger. So we both make it a point to speak - at the least - civilly to one another. And if one or the other of us is getting angry, we'll take a time out and not talk until we can do it calmly and respectfully. And that helps us A LOT!!!

Anyway, just my two cents - but I think you two might need to find some news ways to communicate. It can only make things better.

In the interim, please come here for support or to dump or to ask questions or whatever you need. We're here for you and we believe you can do it (and you're obviously already doing GREAT - so CONGRATS!!!! Keep it up!)

Hugs and hang in there.

[itsanewday]

Thanks for the advice Phyllis, - and by he way your photos look amazing!. We did have a long talk and it was civil and loving. We have been together 20 years (including the dating years). After all this time we still are works in progress :-). And we could use a refresher course in communication. He has his easons why i should not lose weight or cook healthy and i have my reasons why i should. Normally I would just back down and give in. I have been doing that for 20 years. That being said, I am standing my ground, he will just have to adjust. For the first time in years my doctor is considering taking me off my asthma med next month, and I am no longer BMI Obese, just BMI overweight. (which for me is an AWESOME step). Next stop is a normal weight for my height which I haven't seen since high school! When we talked he admitted this is a whole adjustment for him. I've decided to be patient while he adjusts and he has agreed to stop making snide comments and eat a vegetable or two. Baby steps. After 20 years the only thing I'm getting rid of is a big fat but and a big belly so he's stuck with me - just I'll be half of the woman I am now. :-). And who knows, maybe he'll be inspired to join JC as well. We even took a walk after church. The suggestions and insight offered by you and the other users has been wonderful. Thank you for sharing and listening! It's great having others to share the journey with!

[CMECRZN]

I think you have made a good start! The key as Phyllis pointed out is the tone you use with your communication. Like recently my hubby asked me to make him some Chili Mac. I looked at him and explained that i just could not handle that yet. He understood because of other conversations we have had about what i can and cannot handle..... he still has his snacks, but hides them where i don't see them. He doesn't need them either but i am trying to figure out a way to convince him of that.

[I Called Jenny]

AJJ, sounds like you're moving in a VERY positive direction!! Good for you!

And, personally, I think we're ALL a work in progress. (Baby steps are fine. Babies still get to where they're going. It just takes a little longer but it's doubly rewarding when they do. Just remember what your baby's face looked like when he/she took first steps and reached where he/she wanted to go. So happy and proud. Bet you're feeling the same way right about now yourself.)

[Blessed4Life2]

ajjohnson, on 05 February 2012 - 04:28 PM, said:

Thanks for the advice Phyllis, - and by he way your photos look amazing!. We did have a long talk and it was civil and loving. We have been together 20 years (including the dating years). After all this time we still are works in progress :-). And we could use a refresher course in communication. He has his easons why i should not lose weight or cook healthy and i have my reasons why i should. Normally I would just back down and give in. I have been doing that for 20 years. That being said, I am standing my ground, he will just have to adjust. For the first time in years my doctor is considering taking me off my asthma med next month, and I am no longer BMI Obese, just BMI overweight. (which for me is an AWESOME step). Next stop is a normal weight for my height which I haven't seen since high school! When we talked he admitted this is a whole adjustment for him. I've decided to be patient while he adjusts and he has agreed to stop making snide comments and eat a vegetable or two. Baby steps. After 20 years the only thing I'm getting rid of is a big fat but and a big belly so he's stuck with me - just I'll be half of the woman I am now. :-). And who knows, maybe he'll be inspired to join JC as well. We even took a walk after church. The suggestions and insight offered by you and the other users has been wonderful. Thank you for sharing and listening! It's great having others to share the journey with!

Good for you two AJ! Glad you both were able to come to an agreement....thats a start for sure

[manthony72]

It has to take some of the tension off just to have that first conversation and the thing that stood out the most to me was that you two took a walk after church which (if continues) will allow time for more conversations! Wonderful to hear and I love your attitude and standing your ground!