1 reply to this topic

[Natalie_in_TX]

Hello all!

I have a small dilemma. I'm newly single having just gotten divorced after 14 years of marriage. Oh and I'm also 70 pounds heavier than the last time I dated!
I've met a couple men online and have had a friend offer to set me up. However, even after the one guy just asked me to go to lunch I'm too afraid. I've already lost almost 30 pounds (& 3 dress sizes) and feel good.
EXCEPT, I'm still too afraid of going out with someone--assuming no one wants to date the "fat girl". When he was my husband, my ex used to make awful comments about my weight--such as "well, I wouldn't say that you are huge..." And, to make matters worse, he had an affair with a "skinny girl". So need less to say my confidence is shot!

Oh and just for background--I've lived alone (with my two very young kids) for almost a year now. I'm 37.

I realize making excuses on why I can't go out only guarantees that I'll be alone, but just feel that that's easier to take then getting "rejected" again.
Any advice?

[msnelson13]

It's so hard to feel confident enough to put yourself out there and open yourself up to the possibility of love. It's hard for anyone to do that - fat or skinny.

In order to be ready for this, I think you need a couple of things: (1) You need to love yourself and be confident in who you are -- your personality, your morals and values, everything that you have to give to a relationship, and (2) You need to be in an emotionally healthy ready place -- in other words, you need to be happy with who you are, and a sign of that is that you are just as happy alone doing your own hobbies and living your own life as you would be with another person. If either of these two milestones are not present when you start dating, then I don't think you're ready to date.

I'd always been single, always had a hard time dating. And I work all the time. So I tried the online dating thing. Although I was noticeably overweight, none of the guys I met had a problem with that (and yes, most of them were in very good shape). Ultimately, I met my boyfriend (who has an impeccable body!) on EHarmony, and we hit it off immediately because of our personalities and values. It didn't matter to him that I was 40 lbs overweight. And it didn't matter to him that I gained weight after that and now live off of microwave meals to try to lose the weight.

If a man is into you for the right reasons (personality, similar interests), then a little extra weight won't matter. But you're not going to be able to show a man your personality and all the wonderful things about yourself if you don't learn to love yourself for who you are and be confident in yourself BECAUSE of who you are.


So I guess I say all of this to say...

You are a good person. Be confident in that. Love yourself for who you are and all of the good things about you. Recognize that you have a life struggle (your weight) but also recognize that EVERY SINGLE PERSON has some sort of life struggle. No one is perfect. And the guy you're on a date with probably has some insecurity about something in his life too. Embrace that and realize that you're just human and so is he. Don't let your life struggle get in the way of your life. Live your life. Get out and date. Ultimately, realize that you are a good person, you deserve good things, you deserve a good man, you deserve a good life, and nothing (not your weight or anything else) can get in the way of that.