15 replies to this topic

[CollegePrincess]

I think I am in a dating conundrum, and I am wondering if there are any others in the same boat as me or if there are others that can relate, but overcame these feelings.

At my current weight, I feel very uncomfortable with my looks, and I already feel that guys judge before actually getting to know me. I want to go out and date, but I don't want to end up slipping off the program to go out to dinner, the most common date. I have read the other posts about suggesting other dates like hiking, or other physical activities, but am am nervous to suggest that as a date because I feel too out of shape, or I feel like I will embarrass myself.

Does this mean that I am not really ready to date? Do I need to feel comfortable with myself first? I have been feeling really lonely lately, and because I'm in a new city for my job, I haven't really established a lot of close friendships yet.

Need help!

[karynmaria]

HI. I wanted to share my experiences with you on this topic. I guess first off, let me say that i am a 36 yr old professional female. I spent most of my teen years and early 20s dateless and boyfriendless. Especially during a time when all my girlfriends were very into their dating lives. This prompted me to lose weight. I lost 100 lbs. I expected men to see me differently. I expected to be beating them off with a stick. Haha. If only! I mean, I knew i wasnt ugly. I would have men hit on me or talk to me but nothing more ever came of it.

THis went on for about 4 or 5 years. No action. lol. I started to gain the weight back (even longer story that i wont bore you with) and kind of adapted this screw'em attitude. I went back to school and got my MBA. I was promoted to a Director at work. I started to get involved in other activities. All along I was gaining this weight back. And unfortunately, I gained back that 100 and a few more by the time i was 32.

However, oddly enough, I started to get hit on. Often. I met someone and we dated for 3 years. Since then, i do not think i have gone one month without having options for dates and dinners out. I currently am dating a new great guy.

I know I am rambling, but there is a point to this story. lol.

When i look back on things, i believe it was not my weight that prevented me from dating, but rather my insecurities and my lack of self confidence that men saw. I think i have also learned that men will run from insecurities and women who need that constant pampering and reassurance that they are desireable.

So my point is, that yes, some men can not see past our weight. But there are far more men who are ok with weight and less tolerant of insecure and unself confident woman.

Best wishes

Karen

[TheMorbidQueen]

I understand where you are coming from, believe me. All of my life, I've been rejected by guys because of my weight. In middle school and high school I would get the...she likes me? But she looks like she is 245 pounds...or I get ewww followed by name. Was not very fun.

When I started Jenny in 2007...I was 287 pounds. I then lost 104...and couldnt afford Jenny anymore...and had hit the wall before I left. I was 185 when I stopped the program. A year later...I am back on the program...at 197...and just lost four pounds my first week back. Being away for a year and not going over board with my weight...I got lucky.

As for dating..I am still very uncomfortable in my own skin. I think that I am fat and ugly..and yet people around me seem to tell me that there is nothing wrong with me. I mean, I look at your pictures and I see a very pretty girl. So maybe we just take it to heart way to much? LIke we notice the little things that other people don't notice? In 2005, I found this guy online. I had been talking to him on and off over the years...in March he asked for my number...by May...he wanted to meet...and by June he told me he didn't want to see anyone else....and I found myself with a boyfriend. I never get the guy I really want. I am always left broken hearted...and he is everything I ever wanted. He is big on affication...and I am still uncomfortable with my body.

There is a guy out there for you, who will like you for who you are. He is out there and you are perfect for him in every way. I found it easier to find someone off the internet because I was able to get to know him pretty well and knew what I was getting into.

You could always ask your JCC for a dining out tips guide to help you figure out what kind of things you can eat if you do go out to dinner.

I dont know if I could go hiking on a date. I would be all sweaty...and so not sexy. You could instead go for a walk around down town at night, that is always a fun date. Or going out for coffee to sit and get to know the person. I am one of those kind of people I dont really have to be doing alot, I just enjoy the person's company just sitting and talking...or walking and talking. I love to people watch, that is always fun to do with a date if you ask me.

I hope that this slightly helps you. I understand where you are coming from so well. I wish you the best of luck. Everything will work out. enjoy the new job.

[chloesadie]

collegeprincess, i am so right there with you!!!! i've gone on a few dates recently and i feel that most guys these days don't give you a chance unless you are a size 4! it's depressing. i agree that most of these guys arent' giving it a chance to get to know me. the funny thing is that all of these guys have flaws themselves (bald, overweight, ex-wives, children, etc.). how come i can overlook these things with them but they cant with me???? i totally understand.

karen,
i totally agree with your post. i have gone from a size 4 to a size 10/12 over the past 3 years. it has been detrimental to my self-esteem. i have even declined dates/social events becasue i didn't feel comfortable. sad i know. this is definitely something that i need to fix on the inside. no matter how much i lose (and i've been skinny before), i still need to be confident in myself!

[lawgirl80]

Ok, first, I had some other ideas for things to do that don't involve food and are relatively easy. What about good old minature golf or bowling? Those are still great dates, they don't cost a lot, and even if you're terrible, it's fine (and usually breaks the ice bc it's funny).

The other issue is that several people have posted about how they fear that men will judge them for their weight based on past experiences. It's true there are plenty of men who have hang-ups about extra weight. BUT...there are just as many that don't. I've been on the program for several weeks now, but I had a great boyfriend who thought I was amazing even before I thought about losing a pound (I ended up moving out of the country, so that's why it ended). It was hard for me in the beginning to understand how he could be surrounded by skinny-minnies and want to be with me or how when he looked at me, he got excited by my appearance (especially since he was incredibly good-looking). Ultimately I came to realize that he was right. I did look amazing and I think I'll look even better when I lose all the weight I want to. Why should the opinions of a handful of people who said ugly things to us throughout our lives be of greater worth than the opinions of people who tell us how great we are? Ugly comments have just as many ulterior motives as nice ones and are, therefore, just as likely to be untrue.

It sounds cliched, but it's right: when we feel good about ourselves and comfortable with who we are, people are attracted to that. If you believe you deserve a great guy and are worthy of it, they'll see it. Let them see who you are, not the personality veils you use to hide the real you. Anyway, that's all I've got to say. You ladies are worth it. Now, you just have to believe it.

[mdress]

Wow, its great to see that there are other people who deal with the same issues I do. I am nearing my 27 birthday and have never had a real substantial relationship. No one to call a boyfriend. No one to bring home to the parents. I have had people show interest and there have been plenty of occasional on again off again type situations but nothing that even came close to serious, and of course I convinced myself that it was because of the way I look...and even more so that the guy was "embarrased" to be with me! The past few months my whole life has been shaken and changed and all my goals took a 180 (which has led me to finally take some major steps towards my weight). The real change I noticed...was that these issues are all within myself! It is my own lack of self esteem that brings this upon me.

This past weekend I was at my sister in laws birthday and her friend came up to me and he said "Listen I just need to tell you this....but you are adorable! No seriously...gorgeous!" I have never taken well to compliments so got giggly and awkward. But he sat me down and said "no I can see it that you have insecurities but you don't need to"....needless to say he was Gay as a three dollar bill (bc those are always the ones telling me I am beautiful) but his encouragement made me realize I am being way too hard on myself! He also was really into auras and energy and all that psychic stuff (which I am soooo far from) but he was telling me he can feel a big change is coming, and that within two years I will find "my happy ending". I actually beleived him! I needed to hear a complete stranger pick up on these issues and give me some reassurance to realize that everything is going to come together for me.

So just to the rest of you out there, you will all find your happy ending.....i "feel" it! hahaha

good luck everyone!

[Jooolz]

on these issues and give me some reassurance to realize that everything is going to come together for me.

So just to the rest of you out there, you will all find your happy ending.....i "feel" it! hahaha

good luck everyone!

ahhhhhhh dating. Something I am so not ready for until I am comfortable in my own skin and in my mind.
I know I am an awesome person but if I don't show that then I can't expect men to be all over me!
Time will tell. I am just doing my own thing anyhow and enjoying it!

[Laur8403]

I think I am in a dating conundrum, and I am wondering if there are any others in the same boat as me or if there are others that can relate, but overcame these feelings.

At my current weight, I feel very uncomfortable with my looks, and I already feel that guys judge before actually getting to know me. I want to go out and date, but I don't want to end up slipping off the program to go out to dinner, the most common date. I have read the other posts about suggesting other dates like hiking, or other physical activities, but am am nervous to suggest that as a date because I feel too out of shape, or I feel like I will embarrass myself.

Does this mean that I am not really ready to date? Do I need to feel comfortable with myself first? I have been feeling really lonely lately, and because I'm in a new city for my job, I haven't really established a lot of close friendships yet.

Need help!

Hey Lady! "Do I need to feel comfortable with myself first?" Yes and yes! But that will not come from losing weight. Your weight is not a number, and I promise you that it will go up and down many many times in your life, especially if you do not learn to be comfortable in your skin (b/c weight is often a symptom of a more rampant disorder called low self-esteem). You need to feel comfortable with you are as a person (e.g., the traits that are more enduring and meaningful than the number on your bathroom scale) and only then will you be ready to become involved in a meaningful relationship. The right person is going to want to be with you for you, not b/c of the number inside your clothing label! You deserve to be appreciated and, more importantly, to appreciate yourself!

[IrishAngel1211]

Wow. It's so strange. I'm reading this post from beginning to end and recognizing how at the time of the first post I was in the opposite position. My story is very similar, with a twist.
About five years ago, I was in a relationship with a guy where I thought I looked pretty good. I could dress professionally or dressy when needed, always had my hair or nails done nice, I carried myself very well and hadn't even realized my weight issue until my doctor finally told me "Wake up".
The relationship wasn't great. My "Fiance" at the time wasn't the kinda guy I thought I would've ended up with. He was heavier than ME even. Not saying that that was the reason we ended it, but it was interesting how after we ended the relationship, he told me he just didn't find me attractive. I was too BIG. Well, taking into consideration I had a couple months prior to the relationship been pregnant and lost the baby at 5 months, that was something I had to deal with. It was MY stress eating or emotional eating that triggered it. While my significant other was out galavanting with his "friends" I would find solace in a serving of party fries or half a pizza with all the toppings. I didn't go out. I didn't socalize. I had no real "friends" I could talk to. I had been so confined that I didn't even see my parents or younger sister and they lived 4 blocks from me.
Well, the relationship ended and I began to see his other side. The woman he cheated on me with was much "Thinner" and invited me to do WW with her. She offered out of concern with him because she said HE was worried about ME. Interesting twist, I told you.
Needless to say and much longer of a story short, I did not go with her to WW. I looked out for me. And I had a friend who took me out to a bar/club where I rediscovered my love for dancing. I had taken 13 years of it after all and I still had some moves So I started going out and watching guys. And yes, the looks I got from some weren't all that pleasant. One guy showed some interest in me and we hooked up for a while, until low and behold he informed me that I was the biggest girl he'd ever been with. Talk about walking into a wall. And I had lost 30+ lbs on my own! I was a size 16 down from a 22W! So needless to say, he and I didn't communicate any further after that.
I took a year to focus on me then. I had started by walking into Jenny Craig and realized where my challenges were. They weren't with guys. The biggest challenge was me. I didn't have high self esteem after the previous two failures of relationships. I thought it was my weight. Well, going on Jenny, I started realizing more and more that the right kind of guys (because let's face it, the right guys aren't at bars often) started seeing me because I became determined for me. I was losing weight, I was walking at a park four times a week for a year, I was dancing at the club instead of sitting at the bar drinking with my friend, I was even braver enough to do Karaoke and started making more friends who have seen my transformation from a size 16 to a now comfortable size 8!
And the time I focused on me, my best friends have been GUYS!!!! Who knew!!! Not gay even!!! They would tell me how awesome I am or how great I look! They would dance or sing with me (even though I can carry tunes better than some of them ) And I started to notice that it hadn't been about my weight. My confidence started coming through before I reached that 8. I went on a couple dates then, but nothing significant. Up to last year.
I started talking with him online. We got to be really close, but between having been hurt and also losing my father, I wasn't really ready for the relationship. I thought, "I don't get to be this happy without a price...he's a great guy and I'm gonna lose him"
Happily I still have him! And it is a relationship! My best and last one ever! No other guy compares. He didn't give up on me, because he saw that what I needed to do was do it for me, and when I was able to exude that confidence again, he was there! I have put on 15lbs from what I lost on Jenny (60); but I am still workingout, I still eat the foods to get back to that goal, and he always tells me "when you're happy with you, that's when I'm happy too!" He's proud of me. Because it's not his thoughts I'm concerned with. I don't want to see my before picture looking at me in the mirror ever again. That's MY motivation. And my confidence.
Believe in yourself above all things, College Princess. Your skin isn't all that defines you. It's that beautiful person under it all. It's laughter! It's the voice! It's the energy that gets that body moving! You are a phenomenal person just waiting to get out! Choose this for you! And we'll be here to help when things seem at the worst.
To all of you on this post and forum, Believe in yourself! My skin doesn't define me anymore! It's no longer size or a number. It's this totally confident person who knows that I can do anything!

[Blushblueholly]

I kinda feel like crying now.... That is so inspirational to me I can't even put it into words. I might just print out your post and put it in my purse or next to my bed or on a mirror or something....

[Tough first day]

Y'alls postings have definitely got me thinking. First of all, thanks for taking the time to write because you never know how many lives y'all have touched.

Today is my very first day on any weight management program. I decided to do JC for many reasons which include: being tired of being fat and i hope that the consultations and pre-packaged foods can help me loose some weight. However, the main hugest reasons is that I would like to be in a relationship. Since everyone has been mostly honest so far, I'd be too. I am almost 25 and I have never had a boyfriend (these words are very tough to admit, but sadly true). The thing is that I have definitely had guys been interested in me in the past and present. But most of them are way older and were pretty much looking for a girl to screw up with; infact some tried to hide the fact that they were married. Thank God for the way I was brought up and my faith that makes me see what's really going on and kick such losers to the curb.

So after having a mid-20's crisis due to my lack of a boyfriend relationship and analyzing what kind of loser guys who are attracted to me, I began to think that the way I looked was a contributing factor to the problem. You see being almost 200lbs with a 5-5 height makes good serious guys back off. Yes, I know such thinking is not positive but it has some big truths in it. I am deathly afraid of being single all my life. I'd love to get married before I am 30 (such a scary #) and have kids. Somedays I am very pessimitic and feel that it would not happen. But as of today, I am starting my new journey on losing 50lbs plus adding a ton of prayer to God so that when (or if) I am slimmer in weight, I will meet a worthy guy who is finally seriously interested in me.

[IrishAngel1211]

To Blush: I'm sorry if I made you cry I didn't want to make anyone feel sad. But I'm glad you've found the story inspiring.
To tough: although I'm 5'9, my weight was up there too and I can understand the whole never had a boyfriend idea. It's not a bad thing to admit. Nor is it negative to think that it's because of your weight. The weight definetly affects you, I can here it in your writing and I understand about the challenges. Believe me, my Ex that I mentioned above was the first "serious" relationship I'd ever had and I didn't go out with hardly anyone in between being with him and being with my boyfriend now. And I know it is easier said than done to believe it's your personality not your weight that attracts guys.
But I do encourage you to recognize yourself first. That's what has helped me. Yes the weight is gone and I am on my way back down the 15 that I gained back. Yes I have a boyfriend whom I am more happy with than I had ever been with my ex. But I'm happiest when I remember who I did this for in the beginning. I had wanted to lose weight to fit better into a wedding dress that I never wore. I had chosen the dress with a long skirt to hide the fact that my thighs were too big; a sleeveless dress because my arms made the cloth stretch at the seams; a wrap dress to hide where my waist was. I bought that dress to HIDE. Not because it made me feel like a princess or queen which is what ALL brides want to feel!
My dresses now, show off an hourglass figure; the straps fall down because my arms are toned; they are fitting more because I WANT people to see ME. And when I do get married, I'm not going to hide anything! My dress will be the perfect definition of the beautiful person I am both inside and outside. They will see me because I will have nothing to hide anymore.
Keep believing in yourself; all of you!! Remember, this skin is NOT all that defines you. Recognize who you ARE. That's the most anyone can hope for.
I know all of you can do so well with this program, and hopefully I get to cry with happiness someday when you all recognize the beautiful creatures you are inside and Outside!!!

[Lexykins]

To all women: weight has nothing to do with it! I have a friend who is a larger girl and she dates more than anyone I know! I was a good 40-50 lbs lighter than her when we went to a club and these attractive, fit guys were falling all over her! Why? Because she is confident and up front with them. She also tells them right off the bat "I'm not gonna sleep with you" just to make sure they know she isn't easy because she is bigger (some guys will try and take advantage).

Also, I have dated several guys who LOVE curvy women! The last 2 guys I've seen have been on the thin side and when I've asked why they don't go for thin women, they say "I don't like that. Why would I want to be with someone that looks like a little boy."

Recently I have gained 25 lbs on top of being overweight already (at the start of JC, I needed to lose 70 lbs) and although I have felt I don't look like myself, I can still look at the positive qualities of my physique and walk out the door with a feeling that I look good. That is what attracts men! That confidence and of course being friendly.

Another thing that you could do is buy a hand held mirror and write in glittery puffy paint "You are beautiful" on it, so every time you look in the mirror the positive reinforcement is automatic. My sister got me a mirror like that and it really does make you feel better!

That's not to say we don't all need to get healthy. Those men that like curvy women like them to stay around for a long time! But we are all on Jenny Craig because we are proactive women! Let's celebrate that!

[Lexykins]

Just had to share again. I went out with a new guy this past Friday. He's totally gorgeous (he gets called "Clark Kent" all the time just to give you an idea) and he's apparently really into me because we went out again on Sunday! He is pretty fit, although he said he recently lost 25lbs (he was in a 3 year MBA program so the stress caused him to gain weight). In any case, he has only had compliments for me (mainly my eyes where he should be focused...LOL).

My point is, there are a lot of men who like all shapes and sizes and if there is a personality connection then there will most likely be chemistry.

Good luck and God Bless in your searches!

Lexy

[Caring4myself]

This post is very inspiring to me. I'm a single mom, and my son is graduating high school next weekend. I feel lonely now on the weekends because he's older and does not need me as much. I was a teen mom, and am 33 now. I took responsibility for having a child early and devoted my life to being a good mother to him. His father was a dirtbag to me, and I've had other guys in my life that were not of my standard. I've been single now for like 10 years. My son's father left and we maintained a sexual relationship for a while. Then he impregnated and married someone else. I moved to another state to get my life on track and continue to raise my son.

Now my son is going to be 18 in a couple of weeks, and is mostly gone to work or hanging out with friends. I find myself alone and just wanting companionship. I want to have true love and somebody who is really into me for me. I do want to be married and have a complete family before it is too late.

I'm losing weight primarily for my health, but I also want to date again. I know my self esteem is low. It's like what I do is very automatic. It has become habit for me to hide away. I'm more of an introverted person,which makes things a little more challenging. Everybody says I'm shy or quiet. I hate that by the way. I mean if they really knew me they wouldn't say that. I mean is that a bad thing, that I think before spouting off at the mouth.

I just hope a good guy comes along and is what i'm looking for.

[DebbieRP]

I have dated on and off. Right now i am seeing someone but...
One thing I have learned is that it happens when you are not looking for it. I do not go on dating websites, i did and can write a book on the horrible experiences I had ( even a man who admitted to me over dinner he was conviced to a sex crime!!!) It was more stressful than being a lone.