19 replies to this topic

[camnik97]

HI All,
I am having a really sucky day. Its my 8 year anniversary and my husband, soon to be ex is living with the girl he left me and my son for and got her pregnant. I have lost 63 lbs on Jenny Craig and am very proud of myself. I started out at 268 and am now 204. My problem is that is seems that men are only interested in skinny girls. I mean, I hope to be at goal by Spring or Summer but I keep getting turned down because of my weight. I am so sick of being judged on my weight. I always get...you have such a pretty fast and great personality. I am down to a size 12/14 and it still seems that I am "too big". Whats the deal. I know that I'm not the only "chubby" girl outthere. Am I a leopard or what? Thanks for letting me vent. Nikki

[CR]

Wow, you have been through a lot. I can understand how you feel but remember you are doing this for you, not for anyone else. Let me assure you the ex and his shack up honey will be miserable before you know it. See their adventure is over and he or she will move onto another and or realize they made a major mistake and that is when he most likely will be looking to get you back. DONT DO IT!!!!! Make 2006 your year to get healthy mentaly and physicaly. More than likely he was some of the pain behind your weight and self esteem. Anyone who can not see beyond anothers body image is not worth your time. Stay strong and do it for you. When the right one comes along you will no it.

[jennalex]

camnik97 - I'm just curious, but have these men you were interested in said I don't want to be with you because your overweight?
This is just an observation but a lot of times when we are feeling bad about ourselves and our lives we tend to project that negativity outwards..and people do see it..very clearly! I know for myself someone might compliment me - say my eys are beautiful..and I'd say something like 'but they are stuck in this fat head of mine'..lol..not exactly the reaction they were hoping for I'm sure!
Perhaps you are unknowingly sending off negative impressions about yourself! I know a lot of men who don't give a flying flip what a woman looks like, they just love their lady for who she is. I've talked with a lot of guys about why do they seem so shallow about looks? and almost all of them said 'Lets face it, you could be drop dead gorgeous but if you're a b*tch you'll be lonely and quick because who wants to stick around for that?'
Think about it..if Brad Pitt came knocking on your door, sure we could knock you over with a feather at first..lol, but if he turned out to be a real jerk would you really stay just because he's good looking?
Right now maybe you should focus on being happy..and being proud of how well you have done..because you have achieved something that so many are trying every day to do! Give yourself some praise and don't worry about the guys..when one comes along who is worth your time you'll know it!
Take care!
Jennalex

[clubsodawithlime59]

I would never be interested in an overweight man but it's not because I judge people on their size, but their personality and the two seem to go hand in hand. I think when you are healthy and weight a proper amount for your height, you will not want to go on a date with someone who has rolls of fat either. And you will most likely choose a better class of guy than the one that you were lucky enough to get rid of.

[jennalex]

Oh and one more thing about your husband..I know you might not believe this right now but when he left it had absolutely nothing to do with you! And it had nothing to do with the other woman either..she isn't any better, prettier, thinner, smarter or anything!
I'll tell you a little secret I learned over the years..happiness comes from within..your husband figured he wasn't happy with you so he'll go elsewhere..now he thinks he's found it, but unless he makes changes for himself in his life he'll never be happy.
All too often we search for external sources of happiness to fulfill us, but true happiness comes from within.
Think about all the couples out there who get divorced..you see them 6 months later..they look great, lost weight, maybe taking some classes, going to the gym..all those types of things and they figure since they divorced they are so much happier..but what would have happened if they did those things within their marriage? Too often we define ourselves by who we are with..we lose ourselves and eventually you get resentful.
Thats not to say that getting divorced isn't something some people should do..I know in my own divorce my ex and I it was the right thing. We met as teenagers and over the years our values and what we wanted out of life were totally different. It happens..and thats okay!
So you just be good to you, do things that make you happy and you'll be just fine!
Jennalex

[LaDonna L.]

Hey all...
I'm no longer single (got hitched in 2004) however, I was a single mom of 3 for years. I was just gonna put my 2 cents worth in here...for whatever it's worth.
I got married the first time in 1987...I was only 16 years old. I had a lot of problems with my pregnancy and gained like 70 lbs or so and then ended up having a C-section at the last minute. I remember...2 weeks after having my son, being on the dining room floor doing sit ups (I still had the staples in my stomach) because my hubby 'made me'...he also made me feel very unattractive and even went as far as to tell me that he didn't marry a fat girl because he doesn't like fat girls. I was devastated.
Flash forward 18 years...I have been divorced from my ex for about 15 years now...and our son is getting ready to graduate from high school. I had put myself through college and now work at a hospital. I'm still not where I want to be but I've come a long way from where I've been. My ex-husband is coming for the graduation and I'm still 'fat'. I told my new hubby that a part of me is nervous about seeing him again because he always made me feel inferior to him...a part of me is STILL that 16 year old girl doing the sit-ups to lose that weight because I wanted acceptance.
The point of this story is this...there will always be ppl out there willing to degrade us...willing to make us feel unworthy to be with or around them. These shallow, self-centered ppl have nothing going for them BUT their looks. One thing that I've learned is that I can walk into a room (fat or not) and totally captivate the ppl within the walls with my personality. My personality is what MAKES ppl want to talk to me, get to know me...the confidence that I exude is contagious.
Carry your head high, as if you own a room when you walk into it. Be confident in urself and in ur abilities...everything else will fall into place once we finally accept who we are and how we got there plays a big part in that. You will be fine...after all....life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take...but by the moments that take our breath away! By the way, you are doing an awesome job...I'm sure that you are breathtaking already! Keep up the great work....
LaDonna

[Wendy Lady]

quote:

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Originally posted by chardonney58:
I would never be interested in an overweight man but it's not because I judge people on their size, but their personality and the two seem to go hand in hand. I think when you are healthy and weight a proper amount for your height, you will not want to go on a date with someone who has rolls of fat either. And you will most likely choose a better class of guy than the one that you were lucky enough to get rid of.

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I totally disagree with this, way too superficial for my tastes...I am sorry. I have been a bit heavier...no one says by much, but I can tell. I have no problem with my sex life...and I don't look all that fabulous naked. I have also been with chubbier guys with awesome personalities...some more chubby than myself. I am not thinking about their chub...I am thinkin whether they can get the job done or not!!!! hahaha.
Until you all stop hating yourself and other people who are heavier, what makes you think anyone is gonna like you. A person that really matters is not gonna care about your weight but they are gonna care about you. At least an important person will. If that person is gonna be so superficial as to judge you by a little thing like weight...then what makes you think that person would be a good person to spend life with. At the first sign of trouble they jet out of there. You know the ones that don't take for better or for worse as something they would have to ever deal with.
I see some pretty miserable skinny girls out there. Because they go off of brut and looks...take my little sister for example. Skinny as Paris Hilton and she ends up with duds who take advantage of her and walk all over her....though she aint such a nice person either.
And in my experience, lots of guys like a girl with a little junk in the trunk because it's more cushion for the pushin! I am not saying stay chunky...but don't feel bad if you are. Be proud of who you are no matter what weight you are and lose weight for your health and for yourself.

[Hibiscus]

Hi Nikki,
I have been a single parent since 1999 and am currently engaged to the man of my dreams! My ex-husband had an affair and we agreed to divorce. We had been married 10yrs, but weren't happy. He remarried and I wished him good ridence!
I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling like no one would want you because of your weight. Well, there are many men who will love you exactly as you are. Maybe you have had the unfortunate experience of meeting certain types of men who didn't treat you the way you deserve. I did that for years-dated the wrong types of men.
It is a new year- take the best care of yourself and love yourself first. Your weight is only one part of you and maybe you should focus on all of the wonderful parts of who you are. Tell yourself how much you love yourself and let go of the negative voices in your head.
Keep up with JC and let us know how you are feeling. If you enjoy reading, can I recommend "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" by Deepak Chopra. That book was incredibly valuable during one of my most challenging times.
You deserve the best life! Margaret

[aurora77]

I was married for 13 years to a man that used to say " I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with you." He used to complain about me not exercising enough, do that and this. He's gone now - divorced, not dead. But, he was really bad for me. I used to look terrific, but gained about a 100 pounds during our marriage and having two children. He used to watch everything I ate. It was awful.
I too have met someone who likes me for how I am now, even though I'm not where I want to be yet. Even told me he doesn't care if I gained weight. Met him on soulmatch.com, not one of the meat market sites.
I am having trouble with keeping from being hungry between meals. Just started last week. Want to lose 106 pounds. I lost 30 pounds on Atkins last year and have kept it off. Now I'm trying JC.

[clogginmoose]

Hi Nikki
I read your distress call and the answers you've recieved up until now. I too am divorced 10years now and have been in a common law relationship for 8years. When I met my common law partner I was 160Lbs and over time we became very comfortable with one another, I quite smoking,turned 40 and boom-65Lbs that I can't get rid of no matter what I try.But through all of that,my partner who is also a burly guy,has never said "I don't like you anymore cause your fat now".He accepts me for who I am and respects the choices I make for me. My EX-husband like most of the others was just the opposite-but he was really good looking and a real ladies man.I thought I had a real catch when I married him. I should have listened to my mother who saw right through him.The point I'm trying to make here is Looks mean nothing- who you are and what you stand for is more attractive that anything you could wear externally. Who you are internally is what will attract the opposite sex- the more confiedent you become, the better class of men you will attract.I can say this from personal experience.My partner now, is very attractive to me,probably not to alot of other people but they don't know what about him like I do. True love will find you when you least expect it. Look after learning to love you and more importantly You have someone already that loves you more than any man ever
will- Your children.
Your Beautiful- Take Care
Respectfully- cloggin moose

[yourloanlady]

My experience has been when I was heavier, I choose men who I would not have choosen if I were fit. I'm a pretty successful woman (income wise) - and in order to balance my relationships with men, I use to be drawn to men who were jobless, or penniless or not all that bright - but at least they wanted me - and not many men really, truly want a woman who is 100 pounds overweight unless they are insecure as well.
In time, I lost over 100 pounds - and realized the man I was married to was not for me. In fact, many times recently he said he liked me better fat, that was because it was the balance in our relationship. I was fat, he was broke, how could either of us complain? I'm telling you, this is what happens. People generally met their match - what a person must do is work to be the best they can be -and then met their match.
I have lost a lot of weight, I can tell you from experience, losing 100 pounds changes you. People will say they are the same person inside regardless of what they weigh - sorry - wrong. You can't possibly think that you will be the same person after you lose a significant amount of weight - it's impossible. You have to really change inside to accomplish a weightloss like this and to keep it off.
I'd love to hear from anyone who has accomplished a large weightloss to tell me it didn't change them - those are the people I'd listen to.
Just do the best you can do for yourself, be the best you can be - the rest will work itself out.
Sherie

[YVR GIRL]

I couldn't agree with you more. I have lost 110lb and I am not the same person I was. To some extent you are but you really do change inside and outside. It takes a lot of adjusting. I'm still changing...working on the last 20 now. Coming off very slowly. I also run, 1/2 marathons are the longest I've done....congrats on your full marathon. I do weights also, and am now considering getting a tummy tuck to get rid of the excess skin. Linda

[futurewife1]

First and foremost!! Congratulations!! I am in a similiar situation. I am separated from my husband. We have been separated for two months.( Getting ready to go through a divorce) He is emotionally, mentally and economically abusive. ( Barely keeping steady work for three years) ( Wasting money etc..) However, I have only been on the program for one week. I have lost weight. I have made it up in my mind to stick to the program. It is working for me. However, I want to say to you these words. Don't be to hard on yourself. Don't forget to pat yourself on the back and smile. You have acomplished a lot. I have thought about weight in regards to relationships also. I have no one in my life right now. Lonliness can be hard.However, I am convinced that when prince charming comes all will be well. In other words just think positive and all will be well.

[futurewife1]

I can't believe I didn't add one more thing. My soon to be ex cheated on me also. He treated me bad. I mean really bad. However, I have learned to treat myself good, really good. Let's do this ladies. Weight loss is great.

[framelady]

Dear Nikki,
As I read along all the post you got after reading what you wrote What welled up in me is that it seems a s you define yourself worth by what others feel or think of you. And I just wanted to tell you it comes from within but it mainly comes from the good Lord when you have Him in your life and you know who you are and WHOS you are you will have a new worth of yourself. Learn to love you and find what you want in life through the guidance of the Lord and you will be the happiest you have ever been. You may ask how I tell you I was just like you...Then I found the truth and put the Lord #1 in my life and for the past 11 yrs I have been the happiest I have ever been. I am a very successful business owner I have bought 2 houses and sold one own a new car and have accomplish more on my own(with the Lords help) than ever before but even putting all the material stuff aside the JOY and PEACE that I have passes all understanding. I have not dated in these years either cause I just havent had the desire to, I soent my whole life trying to please the men in my life getting my fulfillment from that. when they weren't happy I felt it was my fault. Well it was their fault. I have really enjoyed these years getting to know who I am who I am in the Lord and what I want out of life for me and my son. so look to the Lord for your fulfillment and He will guide you and give you that inner strength and peace you so desire and it will radiate from you and beautiful people will be drawn to you because of HIM!!!

[sweet addict]

Please don't be sad. Having a new baby will change everything for the romantic duo. Let's hope as you are losing weight she gains a bunch during the pregnancy. The stress of a new baby (as you remember) really can take a toll on a relationship. My husband read this post and even said your hubby must have been a real jerk to leave you, especially if it was due to being overweight. So hang in there for you and your son. Best of luck and congrats on the weight you lost so far.

[Eleonora]

Camnik: If you are a size 12/14...even if you are short like me, you are NOT fat. You may want to lose some more weight, but you do not, as some people do, in need of 100 lbs gone.
No matter what our weight, it's up to us to be confident. Wear some make up. If you can afford it, buy a new outfit that fits nicely to give you confidence (always helps me...even when I have lbs to lose) and as someone else said, captivate people wity your winning personality and confidence.
Sometimes we have to pretend to have confidence...then we get a positive response and we really DO build our confidence up, one step at a time.
So hold your head high, know that you are worthy and go out there and knock em dead. Anyone who isn't attracted to you at your current weight isn't worthy of you anyway.
My dear hubby married me 20 lbs ago and has never ever mention my gains and always compliments me on my losses...there are other gems out there. You just have to find one.
I had a boyfriend and an ex hubby both of whom told me I was fat (or my rear was too big)....neither of them was worth my time, I know now. I let the husband hurt me with his comments, but not the boyfriend..I dumped him fast. Boy was he surprised. And it felt good, too.
YOU are in control. Stick with the program and be proud as punch of your accomplishments.
Hang in there...you ARE worth it! Ellie

[2CMEAGAIN]

I too will be divorced~tomorrow is my final!
My hubby decided that a ***** at work & the ugliest thing I've ever seen~not kidding~was worth throwing our marriage in the toilet!After I saw this chick I was floored!I felt so bad about myself & starting eating to comfort myself.Over 6 years of comforting I got fatter!I finally decided that I loved myself enough to get out & filed last year.
Tomorrow I will be a single mom of 3 boys & sexy too!I'm still chubby,but I'm working on it!
I read a book about our auras(sp.?) & that people feel what we posess!!If you feel fat & ugly then people will feel it too.If you feel sexy & pretty then people will see that.She used an example of an extremely homey chick~this woman would have several men falling all over her while the extremely pretty chick was alone.What she realized was the homey chick saw herself as pretty & desirable & so did the men around her because she posessed it.The pretty chick wasn't comfortable with herself & that's what she posessed.What I'm trying to say is~BELIEVE in yourself!!!!See yourself as your friends have seen you~pretty,great face,nice,etc... soon the men will be falling over themselves to get to you!
Good luck!!!

[QueenBitsy]

2CMeg:
What is the name of that book? It sounds really interesting.
Bitsy

[nmw93030]

quote:

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Originally posted by camnik97:
HI All,
I am having a really sucky day. Its my 8 year anniversary and my husband, soon to be ex is living with the girl he left me and my son for and got her pregnant. I have lost 63 lbs on Jenny Craig and am very proud of myself. I started out at 268 and am now 204. My problem is that is seems that men are only interested in skinny girls. I mean, I hope to be at goal by Spring or Summer but I keep getting turned down because of my weight. I am so sick of being judged on my weight. I always get...you have such a pretty fast and great personality. I am down to a size 12/14 and it still seems that I am "too big". Whats the deal. I know that I'm not the only "chubby" girl outthere. Am I a leopard or what? Thanks for letting me vent. Nikki

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