14 replies to this topic

[LPrene]

I thought about sharing this anectdote on another thread where people where questioning (ur...bashing) people's desire for special interests forums. One person lumped our problems in with the significant other's issues in weight loss (I don't even have a significant other!), clearing not seeing at all what a single parent faces. I want to tell you guys what happened to me a year ago on a Body-for-Life forum that shows how people fail to grasp single-parenthood. I hope no-one bashes me for it. Here is my story...
Last year I did the Body-for-Life program for six months. For those who don't know, this program is highly dependent on massive amounts of exercise. About 4 1/2 months into the program I found I was having a VERY difficult time getting all that exercise in. My son was in jr. high at the time and needed me to get him to school in the morning because of the lack of a morning bus. I have (at that time of day) over an hour commute to work, and of course, another over an hour commute at the end of the day. Between homework, commuting, errands (and all the other stuff single parents do every day and do not get help with), there just weren't enough hours in the day to get to the gym six times a week for over an hour at a time. I was getting some work-outs in at lunch, but my work-load at work was getting so large I wasn't able to go at lunch anymore and was also getting home even later...well you get the picture.
So the BFL web boards did not have a place for single parents, so I started a thread on what to do if you have limited time to exercise. In response to that post, I received one of the most insensitive, ignorant responses I have ever seen. This young college student YELLS at me that I just am not trying hard enough, and went on and on about hoe I'm just not motivated enough to make time to go to the gym, blah, blah, blah (and that's the CLEAN version). I was very hurt. Her big (uninformed) suggestion was that I should get my big butt out of bed earlier instead of sleeping my morning away. Well, excuse me, but to get to the gym with enough time to complete the extensive BFL work out and make it back in time to get my son to school and me to work, I would have to get up at 4:30 in the morning and my gym is NOT even open that early! To this day I am hurt by this young girl's response. I've gotten over it (mostly) and I'm on JC because after breaking my foot I was not able to do BFL for 6 months and gained all the weight back.
Single parents do have issues that other people do not and unless you have children and have tried to handle EVERYTHING all by yourself ALL OF THE TIME, I am sorry but you just don't know what it is like. I truly appreciate the people who try to empathize and people who offer constructive advice, and urge these people to join in.
But please don't say that I don't need or deserve this board and that my issues are the same as yours, because that is simply not the case. Thanks for hearing me out.

[emerald_green]

I dont know, I typically would not frequent this board expect that I've been very bored at work lately.
ANYHOW, I could be able to offer advice and/or sympathy even though I am NOT a single parent. I used to be, though.
I had a baby at 18 years of age, and never married her father or recieved much in the way of child support (maybe $300 bucks total). I lived with my parents until she was 4 years old. I worked at Taco Hell (oops, I mean Bell ), did some part time babysitting jobs, and went to school full time so I could remain on my parents insurance. My daughter had open heart surgery when she was 2 years old. My grandmother gave me an old car so I could get to classes, and she paid for me to do JC. If there were more than 2 sides of a candle to be burning, I was sure doing that.
I've been married almost 8 years now, but I still remember very much what its like to be unmarried w/ kids. Every so often my husband goes to visit his folks in India for several months at a time. One night I was so tired that I forgot to turn off the pot of bottles that were being sanitized on top of the stove. I awoke coughing in the middle of the night w/ the fire alarm blaring. Ruined my best pot! My husband was sent a very sad email at 1:30 in the morning while I was up trying to air out our tiny condo for several hours. He couldn't read it for several DAYS!!! His folks dont even have a telephone, so I couldn't call him. And early the next morning I was off to work as usual. If thats not doing it all "on your own", I dont know what is.
Best Wishes,
Angela

[lynnc]

Rene, thank you for sharing.
My husband and I both 50, are raising our 6 year old grandson. My husband travels for business a great deal. It is extremely hard on me when he is gone. I have him coming home to look forward to, that break for sanity.
I can't image what you have to go thru everyday 24/7 to take care of your kids and yourself. My hat is off to you.
Hugs!

[SadSack]

OH gosh, you're so so right. TIME.. there just never seems to be TIME. Also, if you are able to get into a routine with exercising sometimes, it never fails that there will be an interruption.
Get up early/ get ready for school & work/ work all day/ pick up child/ feed child/ do homework/ bathe child/ get kid in bed. Now, theres a little space of time, but on weekdays, I usually only can manage to SIT. lol.
I totally totally sympathize.. I can diet and watch what I eat- but it is a HUGE HUGE struggle to get into any sort of 'regular' exercise.
WHEW.. I'm tired just thinking about it.
As a single parent, you do have to do EVERYTHING. You can't sleep in, you can't decide to not get up 1 day "just because", you can't be sick, you can't put off chores (like getting groceries and laundry), etc.
It is sometimes frustrating- but, I will never regreet becoming single, believe me!!

[Nikki In Miramar]

Are people seriously asking why have a single-parent board?
Im not a parent but my mom was MOM & DAD for the majority of my childhood.
Here are a couple of things single parents face. ON OR OFF OF JENNY CRAIG.
1)The ability to afford a program on which to lose weight, and what if their children are overweight. I was as a child, so was my mom. She could hardly afford the rent, how could she afford a program to help in the weight battle.
2)Support, as much as I would have liked to have been the support my mother needed. I couldnt. I was not her age, I was not going through the things she was on the same level, and theres just a different understanding between adults, than between adults and children.
Nikki

[iz2kookie]

For me time is the biggest factor. My kids Father died in December and I get Social Security for the kids. I have a pretty good job so money isn't an issue. My kids are all teenagers so I signed them up for the gym and they go with me. It is something we do together. Everyday this week I have left the house around 6:30am, went to work, then it's run run run after work. Church, softball practice, Doctors Appts, etc. I find enough time to wolf down my dinner at some point before I am off to somewhere else. I get home between 9-10pm and fall into bed totally wiped out. Thank God every week isn't like that.
So in my humble opinion, one of the biggest things single parents face is not enough time and not having someone to share in the responsiblities of child raising and household chores.

[Marrgaa]

LPrene, if it's any consolation, that young upstart has a good chance of being in our position herself one day, God have mercy on her. She herself is probably motivated by harrangues, poor thing, and might have been brought up like that from day one. Her reply was more than likely not personal (does she even know you?), which means she is responding to something else and you just happened to be in the way at the time.
You are doing wonderfully! JC is wonderful for single parents with no time to spare - the meals are already decided upon and portioned out! I am 42 and have three young teenagers all to myself, and I think the gas for my car costs more than my weekly food haha, but I wouldn't have it any other way. The alternative is the local gangs to keep them busy, and I'd much rather have them in lessons, Boy Scouts, athletics, etc. I get up at 4:45 every morning to get in that 15-minute walk, but then I'm a morning person anyway so no skin off my sneakers. I do fall into bed every night at 9:30 totally exhausted, but the JC program has given me more energy than I've had in a long time.
I can't imagine anyone bashing you here. Many single parents do have a lot in common like no time and no money, but most of all I think we share an incredible dedication to our children as well as an inherent selflessness and a certain amount of terror that we do all the right things for them.
I just wanted to say thanks for the share, they are always so comforting and uplifting.
Keep up the great work!!!

[abigail]

Hi LPrene and everyone else responding about the challenges of Single Parenting.
I'm a veteran single parent--56 years young with two kids--divorced after 5 years of a rough marriage--there were significant issues that were quite dysfunctional on both sides, I'll admit. I'm still single. But I'm at my maintenance weight and relatively happy!!!
I do think single parents have a real difficult challenge, no mistake about it.
But let's be careful not to lump all single parents under one label. There are varieties of us. Some are educated, some not. Some have a strong support of extended family, some like myself not. Some have strong support of the ex-spouse, some not. Each of these factors has a very real impact on how easy or hard the single parent experience will be.
I had strong support and fought (in court sometimes) to get what I needed from my ex.
Anyway, re. exercise, I found several key points that helped me become physically active:
1. Decided that I'd find a way, no matter what and kept at it, even when I slid back for weeks or even months or over a year once.
2. Identified at-home activities (videos and trampoline were mine).
3. Did the exercise first thing in the a.m.(after toilet, serenity prayer, and banana or milk). Too easy to get side tracked otherwise.
4. Started with doable time periods (5 mins daily--add 5 mins for up to 30 mins) every other day.
5. Asked God to help me have the strength and will. Saught and noticed with gratitude any evidence in the day or walk that God was indeed helping me!
6. Felt the pain and did it anyway--allowing any attempt to COUNT.
7. Rewarded my efforts--with nurturing nonfood activities--bubble baths with candle light, massages, manicures, hair dos, petting the dog, listening to music, guided meditations, retreats at least 2ce a year until I "settled into a lifestyle."
8. Found a support group (Alanon or professional help, etc.) through local churches and hotlines and referral of friends.
(In this post, I havent' spent as much time validating the terrible struggles we must overcome. I want instead to validate that facing our very tough reality and trying to move foreward is worth it. But we cannot hold ourselves to impossible standards--it's not worth it.
I DID, I'll admit have an involved ex, who spent a lot of time with my kids, which gave me the luxury to build in the activity more easily when they were with him. It indeed became much harder when he semi-abandoned "us" when my kids hit their teens. In fact, I became fairly overwhelmed and it took them leaving home for me to actually lose weight again and get more active!
So in parting, to encourage us all, I'll say, focus on actions and not on results. And most of all, believe in yourself--put taking care of yourself first (within the guidelines of safety and good sense) and your kids will have a better life because when the mom or dad is in good shape--so too will be the kids!
Love ya!!
abigail

[SadSack]

Those are nice thoughts!!
Yes, I am VERY LUCKY to have a Mom close by who will rush to my house at a moments' notice that I need help. :o)
I do count my blessings, and now being on JC for going on 6 weeks, I am trying to focus on what I DO have and CAN do (run on the treadmill, do an exercise video), and not what I don't have and CAN'T do (going to a gym!).
I think being able to exercise at home is very important.. I am getting into the habit of putting my daughter to bed (at her bedtime), then doing some type of exercise right after. There's really plenty of time, I had always just preferred sitting on my rear-end before. ;o) I have a treadmill that I've been using on a pretty regular basis now, and my Walk Away the Pounds DVD is great.
I have realized that there will be nights that something will happen, where I simply will not be able to get in my workout- so on nights when everything is "normal" and on schedule- well, I work out for sure. That way on those 'off' nights, its never a big deal that I missed.

[debthebee]

Hi LPrene,
I too am a single parent/and a single income parent. My children see the ex 2 months a year in the summer.
I can't believe how some people put us all in catagory of lazy butts. I'd love to have that girl who was rude to you step in my shoes for a couple of days. HA!
Anyway I had a couple of ideas I thought might help you out. I used to take the kids everywhere and to every activity they needed (wanted).I did have to tone down the activities or they would run me ragged. They're not always hip on that but we've worked it out.
My kids are 13 and 11 and I have them help alot around the house with the cooking cleaning etc and have found that it gives me more time to myself. I've purchased a treadmill that I use when the weather is bad. I used to go to Curves but found that it was more time to get there and back than to jump on my treadmill. I have 130lbs to lose so I'm not running marathons yet. What I have been doing when I don't have alot of time is to walk more, like park way out there at the grocery store, return my cart to the inside of the store (walking fast), walk in place as I scrub the kitchen, dance with the kids, on the weekends (weather permitting, which can be difficult here in the Seattle area) we go for walks on hiking trails. I hope this helps and if anyone has any other ideas I could sure use them too.
My biggest challenge being a single parent on JC is cooking for the kids. WHat do I serve them? It's hard to cook meals that are not frozen and are nutritous for them every night while I pop mine in the microwave. I'm looking into crock pot recipe's now as that would be great to have dinner ready when I get home from work. If you or anyone else reading this has any good crock pot recipe's that would be great.
Good luck with the exercise LPrene,
Deb debthebee@mail.com [*]null

[Rosie0115]

This is such a good idea. I did not expect to find this. I am a single mom and I am just getting started with JC. I guess I am at the stage right now where I am having to do a entire lifestyle overhaul including finding some time to exercise. It is nice to see that some other people are doing it successfully.

[angelheart]

Hello all! I am new to JC and also newly single. I have two little boys and I think that this thread is a great idea!
I have been on the program 2 days, my biggest excitment was getting my weekly groceries without shopping for them!!
I think this program might not only be the right way for me to take off the weight but also free up some of my time.
Look forward to chatting with you all!

[LIsa Joy]

I, too, am new to JC. I just started today! I am a single parent with one child. It has just been the two of us since she was about 15 months old and her father left. I am very fortunate in that I have 3 jobs, but it is out of necessity since my daughter is a competitive gymnast who is the picture of a healthy, athletic person. (Gymnastics is VERY expensive.) I have put everything and everyone else ahead of me for over 10 years. In that time, I slowly gained 70 pounds. Now I fear what this is doing to my health. Time has always been my biggest enemy. I get up before 5:00 every day, take care of my students at school, drive the gymnastic's carpool every afternoon to the gym which is an hour away from my house to bring the girls home, cook dinner, help with my daughter's schoolwork, and then I work on my second job until I got to bed late at night. The weekends are for catching up around the house and working on my 3rd job. I hear those of you who say you don't have time for exercise! I'm lucky if I can squeeze in 15 minutes on the treadmill. I'm hoping that by consciously making the decision to take care of myself I can, with JC help, lose the weight I've gained. To all you other single parents out there, I admire all of you!

[Inkiri]

This is such a coincidence! I just posted a frantic message on the 30 somethings board about how I'm all alone with my kids, I work crazy hours, and I have no time to exercise. Here I thought I was the only one, and it turns out there are a lot of other women out there like me.

Don't let anyone make you feel inferior for not being in a picture perfect fairy tale marriage. Women can be such arrogant witches. I'm glad this board is here as a safe place for us to vent! *hugs*

[amyf1226]

WOW! I love the fact that you guys are going through this too. I never thought about my weight until i started jenny craig 4 weeks ago. I have a wonderful daughter who is my life. Every decision i make is for her. Where we live, work, do. I have not made a decision for me in years. Every little bit of money that is left goes to her sports art, theater, ect whatever she happens to be in at the moment. So deciding to join JC was a decision i felt selfish for doing. I wanted to show her how important it is to take care of yourself and health matters, WELL it back fired... she started to quote me by saying "it does not matter what a person looks like, get to know them first to see if they are worth friendship" and "True friends like who you are not what you look like" and the most important one "be proud of who you are don't change for anyone." So when i finally decied to do something for me i regret the decision and think that money could be used for a vacation, ect. but the money is gone so i might as well keep going and hopefully she will see taking care of your health is important too.

Thank you to all those single partents out there who know time and money are a luxory many of us don't have and need to justify every little penny.