Yesterday was supposed to be the happiest day of my week, the day that my son and I got to see our newest addition on an ultrasound. I could not recall the first day of my last period, so the ultrasound was needed so that they could determine how far along I was and my due date. At my appointment I got checked out, discussed several things with the doctor prior to the ultrasound. Next, they ushered us across the hall to the ultra sound room. I lay on the bed waiting for images to come into view. The doc let me know that she was going to be looking around first, before looking at the baby. Then she started to talk about the baby, said that it was measuring at 6.5 weeks, but that there was no visible heartbeat and that there was a 50/50 chance that this was going to be a miscarriage. She ordered labs to check my blood for HCG levels for yesterday and again on Thursday and said that she would call once she had the results with the next course of action. I was/am devastated.
I am confused, I do not know whether I should have any hope at all, or if I should simply prepare for the worst. I am not in pain, I am not bleeding, everything feels normal with the exception of my broken heart.
When I found out that I was pregnant it came as a shock, but I was able to see that there was a reason that this baby was brought into my life, a reason for this detour. Now, I am lost and I do not understand the reasons. I know that I am not the first nor last woman to have a miscarriage, but I cannot understand why I needed to learn this lesson. What was the point? Was I too happy?
I won't know anything conclusive until tomorrow when the doctor calls, but I had to talk about it. I am sad, angry, disappointed, and heartbroken all at the same time and the waiting does not help.